08 Aug 2007
 | Creative Writing: Homosexual Akon Mood Ring Welcome back, kids. I hope you all have had an extraordinary day, because I for one have been especially thankful to be breathing. Not thankful as in 'Life is good' but more like 'I'm surprised I'm not dead yet' thankful. Let's do this... 1. The day before at work, I check in and this Akon looking dude I know at work asks me if I think a guy with a mood ring is gay. Personally, I think a man needs a mood ring more than a woman. 2. Now my reason for why men may need a mood ring? It may serve as a tool to keep men from beating their defenseless spouses when they get ridiculous and start thinking they're superhuman. And ladies, you know who you are. Think of it as a "Pimp Hand Repellent". 3. So I told him no, I don't think its gay. When I go to download my round of photos I see that nearly everyone at the booth is ridiculing the poor bastard for his behavior. And not just the mood ring, but for his Ace Ventura impressions, and romance novel-reading during lunch as well. And what did I do? 4. I laughed. I laughed at the misfortunes of one of my peers being seen as a hysteric at the hands of others. Me, someone who had to cry his pains away in Elementary School and kick peoples asses in High School just to get respect for a quick second, was laughing at the odd man out for a change. 5. And you know what? I liked every fucking second of it. Welcome to tough love, bitch. You better learn the basics of self-confidence like I did or else end up becoming a suicidal groupie for My Chemical Romance for your High School Reunion. 6. I had a dream last night that my computer and lotion had me for an intervention. Not for drinking, but for masturbation. Quite strange, if you ask me. 7. On Sunday I got drunk and accidentally sent various survey requests to all of my friends on my Yahoo Friends list. So if you got that email on my behalf, I apologize. I usually don't even like internet suveys unless I'm doing a bulletin. 8. This morning after I cashed in my check at the Military base, I politely asked this really slimy, old guy for a quick lift to the Mean Gene's Fast Food Drive Thru two miles away and he tells me (In 107 degree weather) to just walk and don't bother him. 9. What makes someone act like that? A 21 year old with no car cashes in a check that even MC Hammer would laugh at, and can't even get a small lift from a senior citizen with a 2007 Earth Fornicator Pickup Truck? And don't worry, I started off walking, but this other guy stopped for me and I got there safely. 10. I hate it when I have a comedy CD that I've listened to so many times I don't laugh at them anymore because I know the jokes by heart. Then I have to find something new to listen to. Ah, fuckmittens. AND ONE MORE... 11. I'd like to say thanks to the guys at Mean Gene's Burgers in Millington, TN for the mediocre service and food I received today. Also thank you for playing the greatest hits of the 90s ten times louder than the several TV's located all over the restaraunt. Who needs the news? FUCK Barry Bonds, play some Lenny Kravitz. Or Santana. Maybe a little Alanis or No Doubt. Remind yourselves of when Gwen Stefani was single... and interesting... and blonde. Oh, wait... |
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