Desperate Thinking: Archived

15 Nov 2007

Desperate Thinking: Expirasin’s Plahouse of Depression Current mood: blank Category: Writing and Poetry WARNING: EXPIRASIN IS NOT IN HIS RIGHT STATE OF MIND. THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS EXPLICIT AND CONFUSED BEHAVIOR AND OBSESSION. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK... Let's face it. These past two months have been the worst in my life since January. As a human being I have no choice but to complain about it because its my life and this is the only way I can intelligently interpret my feelings. I'm not 100% fresh in the mind and my spirits can only be blamed on one thing… But before we do that, let's play a game. Remember Pee-Wee's Playhouse? Well, for every entry included here there will be a secret word. When you see the secret word (FALL), look through your nearest window, and extend your middle finger… let's play. I hate fall. FUCK fall. This season is so unsure of what it wants to do it makes me sick! The holidays are getting dryhumped by the hour (Have you seen all the mentions of the holidays this year, instead of Thanksgiving?). Did you see Halloween? Poor kids are afraid of even going for candy without getting fucked or kidnapped. Last fall, I took the bus to Jackson, MS (Like I have for four years now) and planned on spending Thanksgiving with the entire family I had grown to love. Thought it would be like the holiday stereotype everyone weeps to, but it wasn't. No roundtables no prayer no family carrying on, none of that. The food was on the stove for anyone to eat when they wanted it, and I don't even know who carved the goddamn turkey. Don't get me wrong, I hate family gatherings with a passion. Every family gathering I ever had with my blood family, there was always a point where I was the ass of all jokes or at least one good joke. No one ever wants shit, they ask you how's school, what are you gonna do with your life (No one ever knows that fucking answer), and people slob all over the next generation of bitches, bastards, and assholes. I'm not saying that to mock my family, but you never know who's going to take the fall when they're not around. Perhaps little ol' Nari? Maybe its just me, but I'm wondering just what the holidays are going to stand for if there are no adults around to say "Okay kids, this is what family should be like because we need to stick together sometimes." In my head I think I'm just paranoid but I hope I can see a family this year that happily takes Thanksgiving into their own hands. It may just lie in the path of my own family and I'm just too stubborn to join them. Ignorance is bliss isn't it? BTW, fuck fall. Enough holiday ranting, no one cares about that. Let's fall back on something else, how about emotion? If you must know, my love life has taken a fall since 2005. Its taken a lot of patience to willfully sacrifice love or the hunt for love just so you can achieve your dreams. But in the end, what dreams can you possibly have? I want everyone out there to know that I am officially tired of working to make my dreams come true without having anyone to share it with. I'm tired of having only my male friends to complain to (You know who you guys are). I am now going to fight to achieve the dream of gaining someone else's love. But why? The reason is simply because of motivation and fear. A man is meant to be a hunter. I'm not saying as in "deer" hunter, but a man has to want something in order to have what we call a meaningful life. Substituting a want for a woman with a want for depressants (Alcohol, drugs, denial, fall, etc.) is wrong and I've been using it for years. I need someone to give me the motivation to want their love, and to put the fear of God into my eyes if I fuck it up. Girls, you know why that guy you crave up and down for doesn't want you? You wanna know the BIG reason? It's because he sees you're weak for him. Some guys will ignore you for it, others will use you and HURT you for it. Even I myself ended up in this situation as the hunted, but I at least had the heart to remain a loyal friend to that person to this day and I wouldn't have it any other way because she's a beautiful woman. But let me ask you something… Do you know how good it would feel to lend your hand to someone who really needed it? Someone who would be able to break a hole in the Hoover Dam, but only if you could actually tell him "I want to help you knock the shit out of that dam?" I'm not saying he couldn't do it without you, but you know what? He can't. He can try all he wants to do it without you, he can make all the excuses in the world, but it will only lead up to his down fall. And no one wants to see demise at the hands of love. It's too damn sad. (Play even harder: Can you spot the entries where I didn't put the secret word?) --Nari Sherod Ponder, AKA Expirasin