Desperate Worries

Desperate Worries...
Current mood: awake
Category: Blogging

JOHN HAINES R.I.P.

I'm a little out of it today. I heard of John Haine's passing a few days ago but I didn't really give a damn since we weren't friends. Sure, we shared a couple laughs but we never bonded the way I did with Christina, Brandon or Anson. Nevertheless the death was a shocker. But then I found it was via suicide. Now I'm just mind struck with thought.

This isn't the first time someone I known personally has passed, but damnit this isn't the first run I've had centered around suicide and the depths of that Technical shitbag of a college they call ITT either. Most of all the associates and friends I had at the time have either been unemployed, short-gigged, trying to go BACK TO SCHOOL FOR THE SAME SUBJECT, or just plain fucked at one time or another since graduation.

Example: C. Brooks. Most talented artist I've seen in years. Not to mention a kick-ass computer animator. She graduated nearly at the top of the class with art that would make you shit your pants if they weren't Depends. But has she been given a job that spawns her creativity since graduation? Hell no she's racking boxes at FedEx. Now before you say "Nari, we all have to start somewhere", how can you start if you're too tired to do what you love every time you come home? Every day she has to pay money for student loans along with living in a shit neighborhood with family hardships.

And God knows where I'm headed. No I'm not worried that I have no car or job right now. I'm fucked over probability. I was in good health ready to kick ass by the time I got out of High School only to have my first seizure at ITT by 19 years old (And four more afterwards). My biological father had epilepsy as well. My older half is bipolar. They've worked through it well over the years, no doubt. But think of this: People say I'm most like my "older half". I have epilepsy like my old man. Dig this, people with neurological disorders (like epilepsy) are 22% more likely to get depression than those without it. Do you know how much biploar has already affected me?

And yes of course what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I've put up with a lot of shit over time and came out on top (Or at least survived) over the years and shock myself at the fact I'm still breathing after swallowing all those aspirins back when I was 16. But the same way that men end up cheating when their wives continuously accuse them of it, the same way I feel I may be climbing up that steep hill of craziness, JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP THINKING OF THE RISK OF ME SUFFERING MORE FROM IT.

I like to feel I have nothing to worry about since I live in the moment. Most likely tomorrow I'll be feeling like I own the world and gleefully live off the fat of the land and do as I please, not thinking of the consequences. Writing my scripts or whatever, maybe some graphic design, not pick up my cell phone, burn 200 calories walking just to eat 400 calories of food, do the little things around the house everyone appreciates but no one cares to say thank you for, and think of how nice it would be to have my own cartoon, or to be a cartoon, or an actor, maybe a comedian. Perhaps a wrestling manager, hell maybe a wrestler. Perhaps take up cooking one day, or get enough money for another tattoo. And finally leaving Memphis for California, maybe Georgia. Definitely New York. That way I can be like those cool people at 30 Rock. Not the show, the actual 30 Rockefeller Plaza. Though Alec Baldwin still kicks ass.



Dreams are pretty much the only thing that keeps me sane nowadays. Matter fact, what am I bitching for?! Fuck this world I'm gonna turn to Adult Swim, whack off and hit the sheets with Betty Boop! PEACE!!